and your mother's brother lives in London?

ra ra ra ah ah ah roma ro ma ma gaga ohh la la











nothings changed.

Moving out July 24th.
Having to pay the damages bill by myself.
Not moving into my new place until August 28th.
Having to pay a 750 security deposit for the new place.
Summer classes don't end until August 1st.
Having to pay fall classes sometime in July/August.
Working.
Trying to plan in a family vacation in August.



Can you see where I'm going to have problems? I whole heartily blame two of the most worthless human beings on Earth for having to take care of their responsibilities. You will get what you deserve. All of it.

Agh. Why can't my body handle temperature changes normally.










Damn fucked up system.

futility is the key word.

I can't believe this is happening. Why does it all seem like its crashing down. As hard as I try and keep things together, a major pillar comes crumbling down. I feel like the worst person ever. I'm trying to clean this mess up by myself but I can't do it all alone. Every sound, every sight makes me so nervous. Why am I being punished? I'm trying to take care of my own shit and when I turn there's someone elses shit I have to clean up. Someone please send me help.

These past 3 years has be the worst years of my life. A part from school and work which I'm doing decent in. Ever since this started, my personal life has trickling down to nothing. I have no confidence, no self esteem, no control, and no self worth. I keep drowning myself in food. I'm sure I've gained more the 80 pounds. I know I have an eating problem and I know I'll die of a heart attack if I don't change but nothing seems to get through to me. I feel like I've ruined myself beyond repair. This year has been the up most worst. I am so tired of dealing with others people inability to take responsibility and so they have to pawn of it off everyone else. I'm tired of being around selfish, inconsiderate, fake people who are only do things to so they can get ahead. I don't allow myself to get close to anyone physically or emotionally. I've been so jealous and envious of everyone around me. Of everyone I see. I always imagine myself of the people I see. I find myself in the middle where I'm lucky to have a great family, to be alive, to not be poor, and not to have any mental/physical disabilities and I say to myself what the hell do I have to complain about?, but when I look at myself, I don't see all those things. I know we all have image problems but this goes so much deeper for myself. I'm not talking about one pimple or 3 pounds or anything that's trivial. I don't date all because I don't get asked out on dates. Even one night stands because no one finds me at all attractive. Even if everyone told me nice things. I will always feel how I feel. A few kind words/gestures isn't going to change shit. What I did/do is my fault.

For everyone who things I'm bitch, emo, self absorbed, and weak, fuck you. You don't know what I have to deal with everyday. You don't know what its been like to live like this. You don't know how hard it is wake up and only see the ugly scars all over your body. You don't know what its like to be starred at by everyone thinking to yourself that you some type of freak of nature. You will never know what its like to be me and I will never know what its like to be you.

I keep thinking to myself, I don't know what to do. I deserve nothing, and that's what I'm getting. I'm not looking for pity so don't feel like you have to respond with any of that its going to get better shit.

I don't know why I still have a connection to lj.










It's more then dead.

I hope karma kicks your ass.









You deserve all you get mother fuck.

I'm so frustrated with pharmacology math. Not that its too hard, there's just so much to get through. We have to learn it ourselves because for some reason they decided not to put it in with lecture. I'm getting so angry trying to memorize conversions. There is so much crap for this part and I'm getting so frustrated that it makes me not want to do it. The last day to take the test is on saturday. I have at least 4 chapters to get through by then. Each have 30-40 practice questions at the end. I just don't know what to do. If I don't pass pharm math I dont pass pharm at all.

This is not the way to start off the semester.










I can't forget to do my taxes.

this is going to be tricky.











tricky tricky tricky.

I am feeling so stressed out right now. I'm worrying about so many things. I'm really close to finishing my pre reqs for nursing. It's taken so long me to get to this point. You work to get where you are but it doesn't always work out. Theres one more huge hurtle to get over and thats actually getting into the nursing program. I've spent so much time and money just to be able to apply and what if I don't get in? All my life I've never measured up. My everything lies in the POSSIBILITY of getting accpeted. There are so many other people going for the same dream. Not everyone gets it. I been feeling lost these past few years. Nothing I've done or tried has been able to pull me out. I feel like im such a weak person. I feel like I'm the most pathetic excuse for being a man, a son, a brother, a friend, a human, a person. I've always looked to the good. But the good keeps getting smaller and more distant. I keep saying to my self "I don't know what to do". I feel like I'm not really in this with my whole self and heart. I cant get myself to do the things I need to do. I'm just so frustrated with everything about my self and the situation I'm in.


I dont know what to do.

I can't believe this shit.










This was a mistake from the start.

I'm going to look at it as a test.










To know the good is the know the bad.

I can't wait for all this bs to be over.











Thanks to the waiter last for the extra freckled lemonade that I got to take home.

Things that suck:

winter
school starting soon
my computer breaking down
living with a total creep
having eight more months of being here
my will power
my self doubt



Things that are good:

mario party for DS (daisy is a tramp)
king of the hill
I still have a job

you deserve what you work for.












better start working.

Happy new year everyone.












2009

she was real broad in the shoulders.











yea.

I don't know how well this is going to work out.












I sort of did it once, lets hope I can do it again.